hotel room ftw
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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