I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Is it because I queefed?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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