Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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