i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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