So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
