Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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