Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
