Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
