Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
