Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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