I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
