you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
