wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
