Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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