I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
