pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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