She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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