Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
