I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
