Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
