Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
