I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
