adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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