Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
