Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
