he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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