She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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