The best revenge is premature balding
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
