It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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