So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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