I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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