How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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