I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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