whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
