Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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