She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
