Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
