im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
