I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
