i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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