I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
