I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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