when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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