4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
