Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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