Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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