Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
