I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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