I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
