I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
