She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
